[Filter: Private]

Oh, Diary.

I should write about how wonderful it is to see Chloe again, or how dashing her brothers are. Or perhaps about how overjoyed the people are to finally see preparations for the wedding move forward in earnest. Or even just how possessed and powerful Lord Hasten is, as always. Indeed, there are so many more things than just those to write about, as well. It seems everything has sprung to life here in Emeron, this past week ...

But my thoughts are all full of only one thing.

I truly think I've only fallen more in love with him while he's been gone. Just the sight of him in the hallways moves me to such emotion. My heart catches, I feel my cheeks warm. And how he smiles at me, oh, Diary ...

I just can't stop thinking about what he says. He favours me above all my sisters. What could that possibly mean? Me, of all them? What is it about me that he favours so? Haven't I tried so hard to make it so that there is nothing about me to even note? Why not Benedette and her grace, or Friska, sunny, smiling Friska?

But I trust him not to have told a lie. And if it is the truth ...

Oh, I feel so ashamed. It was one thing to love him so from afar, never considering anything more, but these thoughts are traitorous to my dear friend Chloe. He is her betrothed ... and the only thing keeping them from being married, by now, is that Tarmon and Isanae's wedding had yet to come. After the marriage, it won't be long. And then ... then what?

But is it not true that Chloe doesn't feel anything for Fartgus? And he for her, as well. Their marriage is certainly one of politics and convenience. Strenghening already powerful relations between House Lireth and the West. Surely that makes it better. Surely, it's not such a betrayal. She doesn't even want him.

Diary, I only wish you could see his eyes. I've never seen anything more green.

I feel as if I'm always walking on a cloud.

[Filter: Private]

Oh, Diary, I know that Dette said sooner was better, but I just can't bear to stir everyone into my silly little idea when tensions are still so high over all of this wedding business. And beside, I just can't help thinking that it'll be so much better when Chloe is here. I know that she'll say it's foolish and be positively horrid about it, but if she does, no one else will dare, and it's always so much easier to take, from her. That's just how she is.

I'm sure that when the wedding is over, and before Chloe leaves again, that will be best.

The wedding ...

Within the first two weeks of the month, is what Lord Hasten last said. That could be any day. Any day, Fartgus could be riding up to the gates of our city, with that smile and those eyes. He favours me more than any of the others, he said. Why would he say that, unless ...

... and after Isanae and Tarmon are wed, there will be nothing stopping Fartgus and Chloe. And then he'll be lost to me, forever. And I'll need to put him from my thoughts. I know that, certainly. It is one thing to love another woman's betrothed, and quite another to love her husband. But I simply don't know how I ever could. How I could forget about those times when he's shown me the favour he swears to me he has? How could I ever forget how beautiful he is, how my heart leaps whenever the thought of him comes to me ...

I should put this from me, right now. I should ask after Isanae, to take her find from the nervousness of a bride. Yes, that is what would be proper.

[Filter: Isanae]

I do not mean to disrupt your day, Isanae, but I was curious -- have you come any further in your examination of your magical abilities? We did say that we would ask after one another.

[Filter: Private]

I suppose it can hardly hurt to ask ...

[Filter: Benedette]

Oh, Dette, I had ... well, it's a rather silly little idea, really, but it's just a fancy that's struck me and I haven't been able to put it from my mind ever since the Festival. You're always so practical, I thought that perhaps I could put it the question to you, and ... you may have an answer for me?

[Filter: Benedette]

Oh, why does he always have to do this?! It's Festival! Can't he just try his best to grin and bear it all for the day? Just for the day?

Is it so much to ask to want to have a nice day with the family where everyone just acts like -- like a family! And not a group of people who are obligated to be together! I -- I ...

... I'm sorry, Dette, really. I know, this isn't like me at all, I'm just so ... so frustrated! He does this every single year, and if anyone would understand, I just knew it would be you ...

I just want to have a lovely day ...

[Filter: Public]

Ah, I'm honoured that you decided to join us for today, Lady Philippa! Your presence has been so welcomed.

We're about to sit down for our grand dinner, and I'm so looking forward to it. I could smell it cooking whenever I walked anywhere near the kitchens all day. I truly am looking forward to it.

Thank you, again, to all those near me, for the charming and thoughtful gifts. And to all those not, have the most lovely Festival you can, wherever you are.

[Filter: Private]

Will Fartgus be coming, as well? Oh, but he must be. It feels as if it's been an age since I saw him last ...

What could he really have meant, when he said that he "favoured" me above my sisters? It seems impossible, yet I know that he wouldn't lie. He's far too noble and good for that.

It's so foolish to think about any of this, Diary. He is betrothed to Chloe, and I know that will not change. I should simply clear my head of this all.

Oh, Benedette, how much in common we have right now!

[Filter: Isanae]

You must be so relieved to hear that you can finally finalize plans for the ceremony! Mother has seemed positively glowing with joy ... for Mother, at least.

And certainly, we'll be seeing Chloe again, soon, too!

[Filter: Private]

Oh, Diary!

There's a very good chance that I'm simply exaggerating this beyond all reasonable levels, but it simply all seems to fit! I haven't the first idea of what to think, either! It's like something from a lovely story, but surely in her current situation, it would do far more harm than good if it really is the case, considering everything with Rhia ...

Oh, but I'm getting so terribly ahead of myself! It feels so strange to chronicle events that were planned through these journals, but it seems just as strange to completely break in tradition, so here they are. Benedette recently asked me for some assistance choosing a gift for a gentleman friend of hers from the journals. At first, I didn't think so much about it, but oh, Diary, you should have seen how nervous and eager she was to choose the very perfect gift. Benedette can be so cold that she is difficult to read, but I have even more practice hiding what I'm thinking than she, and I like to believe it has taught me to see beneath the surface. And this ... why, she was almost blatant about it!

I went back and read every single conversation the two of them have had, and oh, Diary, they are certainly flirting! There is no other way to describe what they're doing. Benedette even acted jealous when Lord Leon talked about his encounters with a young woman in Chimer! I can't imagine how I didn't see it before!

But, as you know, Benedette is already practically betrothed to Lord Hayden's eldest son, who is, of course, in the direct line of succession for the High Seat of Rhia! Everyone knows what this sort of visit means, and, Rhia or not, they would both be fools to not make the best match either of them will likely manage. Benedette is so practical, at times! Surely she would never deny becoming the future Lady of a High House for a whirlwind romance with a man she's never seen the face of. Which is apparently quite a shame, with the way he describes himself!

I wish I could somehow tell Benedette that I know how she feels! My love for Fartgus that can never be, surely it's similar. Almost the very same, really, no matter how the exact circumstances are changed! But I know my sister. She'd deny it and close me out should I even hint at my knowledge in a way she'd recognize. And perhaps, she doesn't even recognize it, herself ...

What a story!

[Filter: Private]

I don't suppose there is any answer simpler than that, Diary.

When I was a girl, I suppose I was more confident. That was before I realized that I would never catch the attention of anyone. Before I realized that the best I could do was to slip past notice. It was very easy, when I thought I could be anything I wanted, until I realized that I couldn't.

How exactly does one reclaim a feeling like that? That feeling, that person, it's all quite dead. Reality has come in, and dreams have starved. I need to protect myself. Confidence and liveliness will only hurt me in the end. People will notice me and they'll wonder why I can do nothing special at all. Competing with Tarmon is difficult enough without that.

But for magic ...

... I wouldn't even know where to start.

Things are constantly in a state of non-motion here, lately. Lady Philippa is going to be leaving the manor to take up residence in a townhouse, which I suppose is something new. I'm surprised that she'll be staying longer, but I suppose that whatever business she was here dealing with for her family is not yet resolved. She is very polite to find another place to stay like that. I should remember it, for if the opportunity to travel should ever be extended to me.

And if it would.

Otherwise, it's all very much the same. Constant rearranging of a wedding that may never happen. Tarmon is so angry and impatient, and I would never say so, but I think that Isanae is instead. Whatever else Tarmon is, Isanae did work very, very hard to be chosen as his bride instead of Lady Caroline. I suppose every unwed moment must be a reminder that it could never happen.

I really should write more, but at times it's felt as if we're all just holding our breaths and waiting for a year. Waiting on Lord Hasten. Of course, his business in the capital is very important, but would it be so bad just to come for a bit? For our sakes? For his sister's sake?

Brothers never do care about their sisters.

[Filter: Isanae]

I've meant to ask, Isanae, but it's been escaping me over and over again. Have you made any progress on studying your block?

[Filter: Private]

Oh, Diary, I don't know.

At my safest? My most secure? When is that? I can't pick out any time moreso than others, not truly. "Knowing yourself," that's what Isanae said that this is truly about. If I don't have the first idea after a month of soul-searching about it, does that mean that I simply don't know myself?

I suppose someone with a normal family and normal friends could simply go to them and ask, but surely I know myself moreso than anyone else knows me.

... but I simply feel so lost. I haven't the first idea, and trying to assess my own mind like this is just confusing me more and more. I never thought it could be so complicated to discern one small thing about myself.

Perhaps it's at least worth the attempt to seek elsewhere.

Dette and I have been closer than usual, of late. Perhaps it's because of their journals, or perhaps I've simply felt lonely with Lady Philippa occupying so much of Isanae's time. I had no idea how much I'd come to rely upon her in these last few years ...

But the fact remains that perhaps this is an opportunity that has been provided for me, to find a solution to this problem.

It can't hurt. Truly, it can't.

I just want to find the solution.

[Filter: Benedette]

Sister, might I perhaps trouble you with a somewhat personal request?

[Filter: Private]

Oh please, please, Dragons, let this be the answer that I've been searching for. Please.

[Filter: Isanae]

Well, that was certainly enlightening. I didn't expect such useful and direct answers.

Though I'm not sure what my problem could be. It's actually fairly difficult to read your own emotions like this, isn't it?

[Filter: Lord Fartgus]

Oh, Lord Fartgus, I don't mean to be rude or to intrude by any means, but I can't help but have noticed some of what Chloe has been writing, and I did offer to be a listening ear and sympathetic shoulder for you, no matter how mixed my loyalties may be.

Do tell me, my lord. I hope Chloe isn't hurting your feelings with all of that abuse. She can be so very obtuse.

[Filter: Private]

So much information ...

I suppose it only makes sense. We do things very organized and scientific here. There's no art in our magic, or even any utility. It's a symbol of status and we learn it accordingly. For the Kilians, it is a way of life.

I should not get my hopes up, but oh, it would be so amazing if any of this worked. I don't need great power. I just need to rise above complete mediocrity ... I can't help but wish so deeply, with all of my poor heart, that something provides results.

It seems I hardly have anything to write here of late, but there is nothing happening. It seems as if all the world is at a standstill, holding our breaths, waiting for the wedding to finally happen. That is very much an odd way to live.

There is the matter of Benedette's rumours. I have been keeping an ear open, but I fear the channels of gossip simply do not reach me very strongly. I cannot be sure what, exactly, she means to say by them. Unless

And the theatre. That has been nice, as well. I do love going to see a play, and Lady Philippa is very intelligent. Perhaps too much, though, at times. Would it be too much to ask, to simply let the story wash over you and talk about that? Does it matter, so much, what deep meaning there is to it? Life is full enough with complex meaning. Can art not be wonderful merely for its simplicity?

Isanae may be interested in knowing what I have learned, and surely Benedette needs acknowledgement as well.

[Filter: Benedette]

Sister, I should thank you for your suggestion of writing to the Kilians there. I've actually gathered a great deal of useful suggestions to bring to my lessons.

[Filter: Isanae]

Isanae, if you have a moment, I've recently learned some things which might interest you.

[Filter: Private]

Well ...

Perhaps Dette is right. Perhaps it is worth a try. It could hardly hurt, after all. If anyone knows magic, it would be them! And if they can actually give me some assistance, surely it would be worth the potential embarrasment?

Yes, perhaps.

Hm.

[the rest of the entry is messy and awkward, but unidentifiable as Canti's hand]

[Filter: Kilians]

Hello.

I have been studying magic for many years. I have studied all schools including healing. Every member of my family has at least mid-level magical capability, as far as I know.

However, I have never felt a stirring within me.

It is very important for me to know magic.

How can you help me, please?

[Filter: Private]

Rhia ...

Well, Diary, I must say, I'm really not sure what to think! Of course, I partially feel quite awful for Dette. Of all the places to make a marriage, the South? Surely she'll be miserable there, in Rhia especially! That is hardly the place for any Lady.

... but I will admit, that in my deepest heart of hearts, I am ... quite envious. What I said to her is something that has weighed so heavily upon my mind that it crushes me, somedays. There are truly no good marriages for me. I expect, most likely, I'll see myself trothed to some bookish fellow from Vernhail and disappear into the riverlands for the rest of eternity, wasting away. No, that's silly, I'm sure it isn't so bad, there. I quite like Lady Philippa, so there's something to be said for the East! And Lady Anita seems quite lovely. I do enjoy speaking to her. There's only so bad that Vernhail could be.

Of course, I could also be torhted to a local merchant, or even a knight in the persuasion of Sir Austin, someone from a good family. Though ... hopefully, not actually Sir Austin.

My, that would be just horrible!

What a scattered collection of thoughts these are. I suppose it only makes sense, Diary, when even I don't know quite what I'm thinking about, or how I feel. I suppose all of this endless talk of weddings and betrothals has simply beat my mind into helpless submission to endless consideration, myself.

If Benedette is happy with the thought of going South for a husband ... I shall be happy for her, as well! After all, Rhia is a High House, whatever else it is, and the branch is one of inheritance. It is a good marriage ...

[Filter: Isanae]

You must be so happy! With everything in Eblar resolved -- oh, who ever thought that it could be the Princess, of all things! Wonder of wonders! -- your brother will be able to make the journey here, soon enough. No more delays.

[Filter: Private]

As much as I said it was a good thing, Diary, I'm not so sure what I think of having Benedette here. It was ... nice, in a way, to be the only one given the opportunity. Of course, there was also Tarmon, but there's always Tarmon, and I was the only girl, at least. To these people, I wasn't just one of an endless parade of smiling courtesy. I was the Emeron girl.

No more. Now Dette is here, and surely, soon enough, they'll hear what a talented dancer she is and how she just floats everywhere she goes, and then there won't be anything specifically for me, will there?

It's very petty, I know that it is, especially since it's Benedette, and not one of the others, but I can hardly help my feelings, now can I?

That's why I write here, Diary. This is the only place where I can feel them at all.

[Filter: Public]

Well, Benedette, you did tell me to remind you if I didn't see you write after a while, and it has been five days. Have you forgotten?

[Filter: Private]

I will be courteous and stop if he shows any signs of discomfort. Simply a listening ear in a crisis. Surely that isn't so bad?

and maybe

[Filter: Lord Fartgus]

Lord Fartgus. Do you have a moment?

[Filter: Private]

Perhaps I should write to him.

Would that be inappropriate? He's doubtless every bit as worried for his brother and Isanae is, and as Chloe is for hers. A supportive, listening shoulder to express sympathy and offer comfort.

But would it be too personable? Too close? After all, he and I are little more than acquaintances, no matter how my heart beats for him. A lady offers that comfort to her father, her brothers, her sons, and her husband. A man she knows, whether or not they have enjoyed one another's company, does not fit that category.

But surely Chloe would never provide such a service, and surely his sisters and mother are all far too distressed on their own to do so.

Perhaps he truly needs someone, and there is no one there.

What should I do? I simply don't know.

[Filter: Public]

Isanae has informed us that you're coming to stay in Emeron for a time, Lady Philippa! We'll be truly honoured to have you here.

I do wish you the very happiest of birthdays, Chloe. I hope you're having a lovely day, so far.

[Filter: Private]

It seems as if Fartgus never writes anymore, diary. I thought it would be easier to have him gone, because I knew I could press my cheek against the page when I see his pen, but there has been hardly a word.

I know I should be trying to put all of this behind me, when I know that he can Chloe are planning their wedding even as I write, but lately, I've been dreaming.

They're the silliest dreams, diary. And more than that, I'm almost ashamed to write them, but perhaps if I do, they're desist and leave me to sleep in peace. You see, these dreams, they have me waking flushed and in a sweat. Yes, that sort of dream ...

I'm so ashamed that my thoughts have turned there. It's nothing horribly plain-spoken, but, well, for example, last night, I dreamed that he invited me on a horseback ride, just the two of us on Loran, riding through the countryside, as quickly as the wind. I could see the world flying by. It truly was as if we were flying.

Then we reached a stream. Fartgus slid off the back of the horse and offered a hand up to me to help me down. He said that perhaps we should wash, and I thought that he meant our faces and our hands, so I agreed and knelt beside the bank.

Then I heard cloth, and when I looked back at him, he had taken off his overcoat and his waistcoat and his shirt. Oh, diary, the way he looked, standing there, with the sun on his chest took all of my breath away and I thought I would just ignite into flames of love ...

And then I woke up.

These are not ladylike dreams! And even if they were completely within the bounds of propreity, he is preparing to wed a dear friend!

I kneel in prayer and beg the Dragons to cleanse my thoughts, but these dreams seem only to get worse every night ...

Can't someone take this curse from me?

But there is not time for that. Today is Isanae's birthday, and I thought I would give her a lovely time before the party begins. I hope we enjoy ourselves.

[Filter: Isanae]

Isanae! Happy Birthday!

[Filter: Private]

... those truly are some unpleasant rumours. I've tried not to pay attention, but it's becoming somewhat difficult ...

Lord Peter hardly seems like the type for that sort of behaviour, but I suppose one never knows what happens behind closed doors. Unless, of course, they have Tarmon in their family.

Perhaps someone should say something to her? Or something to them, though that could be difficult.

Maybe I should just close my ears and focus on the wedding plans, however much Mother lets me participate. Tarmon or not, it truly will be a lovely wedding. Isanae will look so beautiful.

[Filter: Private]

... if the best part is waking up before everything goes sour and dreaming that just maybe, it might be like the perfect fairy tale it should be, then the worst part is laying in bed after the day full of failed attempts from everyone is gone, thinking that tomorrow, no one will even have to try.